Now come on, surely you've got a bit of a plan in place? I know I have! One of my workmates has even thought about it! Heck, even one of my best friends, Rae, has done some planning. Said workmate (Tanya) informed me the other day that out of the blue, she suddenly thought, “If there's a zombie apocalypse, I'm taking my daughter, my cats and Mum, and heading for Ang's house!" Now that makes me proud. (No, not nuts - proud!).
Here's a little bit of my plan (seriously, just have a peek, it's only a bit and may save your life when the zombies come). My source of vast knowledge comes courtesy of watching so many zombie films and reading so many zombie books. So serious research has gone into this, a LOT of serious research (you can thank me later after you’ve survived the apolocalypse).
1. If you have to replace your fences for any reason BEFORE the zombies come, get a high fence, and a non-see-through fence. They can't see you or fall over it into your front yard. (This is good future planning).
2. Don't even think about leaving your town or city when the zombies hit. This is just dumb, in my (humble) opinion. How often have you seen the movies? People leave, go somewhere they have no idea of, their car breaks down, their mobiles are buggered, and now they're lost. Not to mention fighting everyone else running away.
Here's a tip - one day those zombies will leave the towns and cities and converge on the countryside, looking for fresh meat. You're it. They're also in a big horde. Doesn't look like such a good plan now, does it? Huh?
3. Race to Bunnings and stock up on pots, seedlings, seeds, water containers and as many rain tanks as you can fit in your yard. You'll need to grow your own veggies. Thinking on it, get plenty of weed killer, too.
4. While at Bunnings, stock up on batteries, cordless drills, nail guns, nails, boards, wire, bolt cutters (I just threw that in there 'cause it sounded like a good idea - you might have to break into places which have been chained shut, right?). Get fuel (just in case, I'm not a complete idiot). Candles, lanterns, fuel for lanterns, torches, batteries.
5. Race to the supermarket and stock up on dry, tinned and packet food, don't forget a can opener (duh). Paper plates for when the water supply runs out. Get water, lots of water. (I'll also have to stock up on LOTS of Diet Coke, but that's just the way I roll). Don't forget toilet paper - everyone in the films always looks ecstatic to find toilet paper. I figure I can hang the expense and go for the ultra soft stuff - after all, it isn't every day a zombie apocalypse happens. Also, get heaps of kitty litter and cat and dog food (that's on my to-do list for sure)
6. Hit the chemist (pharmacy). Stock up on pain killers, antibiotics (especially broad spectrum), bandages, Betadine liquid, burn cream, cold and flu tablets, the pill (I won't go into this, but it's good for more than just contraception, right?), things a woman needs, deodorant (lots of deodorant). Dry hair shampoo is also good. Now you have all these medicines be smart and get a MIMS (book that tells you what every tablet is for). I also better stock up on lots of my reflux meds. Bad enough being under the threat of becoming dinner without having heartburn with it.
8. While racing around the streets, take note of good places to run to in case your fortress is invaded. Old churches are great - our old church at Bluff Pt is really old - heavy wooden doors, made of stone, and the windows are high up. Zombies can't see you in there and you can get natural light. AWESOME. Be smart, grab a street directory on your way around. You'll need it when your mobile phone buggers up.
9. Make sure you park one car in the car port. If you have another car (or can get one, even better get 2) park them side by side in FRONT of your closed gates. It will help stop the zombies banging into your gates and weakening the frame of the house and the gates. Buffer zone, you might say. Have cars ready to roll if needed.
10. Make sure you have lots and lots of paperback books. LOTS. Don't forget to visit the book swap shop and empty the shelves at the shops and newsagents of all their books and magazines. DON'T FORGET!
11. Make sure you stock up on cat and dog food - tins and biccies - and hit up the vet clinics for worming tablets, flea treatment, medicines and special diets if your furry is on one. DON'T FORGET YOUR FURRY!
12. Get plenty of heavy blackout curtains. You don't want other people and the zombies to see any light from your house and yard.
I told my mother all this. Sadly, she had no clue. She just stared at me. And stared. Finally, she said, "Zombie apocolpyse..."
"Yes," I said. "Don't worry, I've got this all covered. We'll be fine."
She looked back down at her magazine and kept reading. I don't think she got the importance of what I'd just relayed to her.
Never mind, I'm sure you'll benefit from my planning!